NHL Hockey

Minnesota Wild 2008 Offseason Plan

POSTED BY Willis McGendo | POSTED 02 Sep 2008 | FILED UNDER NHL Hockey

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CTC Classics: NHL, NHLPA Agree to Terms, League to start Next Week

POSTED BY Boozie Chang | POSTED 11 Mar 2008 | FILED UNDER NHL Hockey

Original Publication Date: February 2nd, 2005

“Come and dance on our floor…”

TORONTO, ON — After 138 days and 747 games cancelled, the NHL and Players Union have agreed to a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, which is beneficial to all.

“It was really rather silly, our differences,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “It all was just a misunderstanding, not unlike you’d see on old episodes of ‘Three’s Company’”. NHLPA Union Chief Bob Goodenow echoed his sentiments. “We thought he kept saying ‘Salary Cap’, but really he was saying ‘Luxury Tax’! Oh boy, it was so funny when we finally figured it all out.”

Throughout the bargaining process, Goodenow and Bettman would constantly mishear one another, being forced to listen through cups pressed to doors or from air vents in hilarious situations. This week they finally met face to face and realized they both wanted the same thing. Minutes later, the CBA was signed and the season was saved.

“We’re going to basically do whatever the union wanted, since that’s what we want as well. I honestly can’t believe it took this long to figure out this humiliating misunderstanding,” remarked Bettman. “My good friend [MLB Commissioner] Bud Selig kept telling me that Goodenow was talking trash and [NBA Commissioner] David Stern kept telling me that this was how CBAs were supposed to be worked out. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Stern and Selig were just trying to mess with us to drive us further from the public eye.”

“That’s ridiculous,” countered Stern, who was on his way to a hearing for Ron Artest, who was suspended for the entire NBA Season after going into the stands and beating the unholy crap out of an innocent fan. “The NBA doesn’t resort to thuggery and dirty tricks. Excuse me.”

Bud Selig refused comment, explaining “I have recently come into yet another large stack of money. This has nothing to do with the Sammy Sosa trade. God, do I love money.”