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CTC Classics: Malcolm Glazer to Purchase Man U
POSTED BY Willis McGendo | POSTED 11 Mar 2008 | FILED UNDER Global Sports
Original Publication Date: May 17th, 2005
The scene outside of Old Trafford was decidedly somber as word of Malcolm Glazer’s £790M blockbuster acquisition of Manchester United made its way through the United faithful. Once spirited and defiant, the crowd now took on a tone of remorse. The American billionaire had actually done the unthinkable, buying what amounts to a piece of British pop culture itself.
Adam Rooney, a chimney sweep from London’s East side was one of the few protesters still chanting anti-Glazer slogans as the crowd struggled to cope with the greatest tragedy in soccer history. While most could manage little more than a murmur, Rooney stood proud and tall with his NOT FOR $AL£ sign held aloft. “See, this sign expresses how I feel but if you look it’s also a social commentary, isn’t it? The S in sale isn’t just an S, it’s really a dollar sign, as in the US Dollars I read about in the Guardian that George Bush is printing on the skin of Iraqi babies. The second L is a pound sign because Glazer is all about taking our money. All together it spells NOT FOR SALL, and that’s how I feel.”
“Tut tut yankball,” he added.
Edward Lonsdale, a local professor who asked not to be identified, tried to explain the apparent rage felt by the crowd. “You have to understand that football is very much an English institution, it’s woven into our culture. Just as you all are quite defensive about your rounders ‘sports franchises’, we feel the same way about our football clubs. Only hundreds thousands of times more. It’s a BRITISH sport for BRITISH people.
“Look at our best players. We hold up figures like Henry Thierry for our children and say this is what it is to be British. I’m sure Henry understands how we feel, despite the colours he wears on his kit.”
“Qu’ont-ils dit!?” asked Henry when told of Lonsdale’s comments. “Je n’ai avant jamais rencontré un footballeur britannique. Je pense les plus à eux jeu en Arabie Saoudite ou quelque chose.”
Though Glazer is largely a self-made man that has acquired a billion dollar empire through hard work, self-reliance and unquestionably masterful business decisions many among Manchester United’s fanbase have questioned whether he grasps the full scope of the fiscal realities that now confront him. “This isn’t a ’sports franchise’ like in the colonies,” said another fan. “He can’t just pack up the team and move it every other year like they do in the US. Football, REAL football, isn’t about money–it’s about sport. I bleed red and black, at least until we introduce our new kit next year in summer colors. Someone like Glazer, an American, will never understand what this Vodafone™ logo on our chests means. Yes it means high quality mobile communications at a surprisingly affordable price, but it’s much more than that.”
Most in the street agree that Glazer should sell his shares back to John Magnier and JP McManus who though Irish and not British probably didn’t vote for Bush.
The mood outside of one of 15 area Manchester United Megastores was no less sour when it came to Glazer and his armourball background. “It’s hard,” admitted a young woman wearing a Beckham jersey. “But you soldier on right? Now isn’t the time to give up on the club. Did Ferguson give up on his mates when they tested positive for drugs? NO! He stood tall and fought hard for every technicality to get them back on the pitch. That’s the kind of spirit we need.”
However, all this drama may prove to be short lived if analysts grim fiscal predictions for the club are accurate. “The fact is that Glazer will immediately transfer over £300M in debt onto the club when he takes ownership,” explained one internet man. “That debt will have to be paid off immediately which means raising ticket prices and gutting the club. Where is he going to come up with £300M overnight?”
“That’s how debt works,” he continued. “Banks loan you money and demand you pay it off as quickly as possible to make sure you don’t accrue too much interest.”
In a related story Glazer Enterprises has announecd that they will be temporarily suspending all soccer and soccer-related operations until next season. In the mean time they hope to focus on reorganizing the internal structure of the club while plowing the Old Trafford grounds for farming subsidies.
Experts indicate United’s acquisition debt should be paid off within two to three weeks.